Monday, October 1, 2012

Ready or not.

I can't say I have been in worst situations since this past July. Just when you think you are getting everything together: paths have found a way to smooth out, relationships (as deceptive as some can be) seem to be stable and your outlook on life has a picture perfect look of grandeur...and then, a cataclysmic event takes place. Knocks you right off your feet. Cripples you. Defeats you.

And all you want to do is just sit there, may be even lie there, in a fetal position. It's at this rock bottom moment when you think you couldn't feel any lower or be any lower in life, you ask yourself....So now what? Do you wait until this horrible situation passes you by? Do you get up and start acting like nothing has happened? Do you accept it and "appear" strong? Do you weep all the time? Get justifiably angry? What? WHAT!

I don't know...I haven't known for a very long time. I think I have been empty since sixteen years of age. There was a moment that I should have made the right choice, the hard choice. And like a movie cliche I've been making all the wrong choices since. Educational, relationship, marriages, job name it, I've done them all wrong. So what does this nostalgic sixteen year old experience has to do with the present? I realized that on July 19, 2012, a few short days after my 38th birthday, my father passed away, life is short. Life is sudden, unpredictable and unexpected and so is death. And now on Oct 1st. 2012, I realized the people who continue to bring chaos in my life are still there, the ones who choose to remain distant, still do. The lovers are willing to give love, the friends...friendship. So nothing has changed, except one denominator, one of my biggest fans, one who encouraged me to make life for myself, not for him, or the rest of the family or for any one else for that matter...died. He died. He's dead. So now what? I never got the chance to change for him. To show him what he believed I could do in life. Let's face it, what I was showing him since 18 what nothing short of spectacular. So now what? Does it matter now? If everything thing is the same now (good lord, my pops knews how much I have tried to change the circumstances and people in my life) it's only predictable that things will always stay the same later. Most of all, how do I make a dead man proud? The only person who could probably tell me the answer to that question is now dead.

So I am going to write a list tonight (a private one) of all the things he encouraged me to start and  finish. Each day, each week, each month from this date is going to be a journey for me. A journey to connect with a man who meant so much to me. Hopefully in finding a little bit of him every day I find  the whole of me in every moment. I can't say I will be kind and red apple clean on here, and at times I will bring up my past so it can shed some light on my present, but I will keep true to myself and my feelings. I don't know what blogging is about or what to do with it. I just need an outlet, something new...a change. Believe me, it's a lot less complicated than a one night stand (or so I would think). We'll see.

So dad, where ever you are in spirit or energy, remind me of who you are and what you were to different people. I do want to be like you. I've never met a funnier man with a joke for everyone. I do mean EVERYONE. But let's be real here, it's not like I will be talking to you out loud in public, in the car (if somebody local sees me to doing the cops..better yet, an available psychiatric ward).  Either way,  I'm ready...let's do this pops.